“Be personal, not formal or academic.”
This statement is one of the prompts we received to write for this magazine, TMI: Taejae Moments and Insights. It actually puzzled me. Partly because academia and philosophical thinking are a big part of my identity. But the most significant reason was that I did not have anything personal to write about. In other words, I could not find any other topics to write about except critique and academic knowledge.
Where I was told these instructions. It actually puzzled me. I could not find any other topics to write about except critique and academic knowledge.
This term, we are taking a Creative Problem Solving class. We are learning about the process of problem solving and various skills that can help us apply it. However, I feel this class is based on the premise that we already have the desire to solve a problem in the first place. The skills we are learning perform like engine or car parts, and our desire is like gasoline. So, just as a car cannot run without fuel, we cannot run without motivation or a goal. In this sense, all Taejae Innovation Foundation classes are quite useful as tools to achieve a goal.
Nevertheless, I often find myself suppressing my own desires, sometimes in order to yield to others, and sometimes because of a perfectionistic and skeptical attitude toward myself. For example, when it comes to writing an article like this, I begin to doubt myself, whether I am qualified enough to write it, or whether the topic itself is valuable enough to be written about.
Although this sounds like an excuse, I would say my cultural background influences this perfectionistic and skeptical behavior. The society I belonged to is collectivist, competitive, and homogeneous. As long as people follow the general flow, they do not have to struggle too much over choices regarding schools, career, hobbies, or other life choices. What people actually want is often assumed to be similar to what others want, so it becomes quite easy (and in some ways reasonable) to obey and conform to the whole atmosphere or system. Plus, people are expected to aim as high as they can, while still keeping social harmony. In other words, they should be perfect but they must not disgust or alienate others. As a result, people often become critical of themselves, seeing themselves as thoughtless or opportunistic whenever they fail to meet those expectations.
Confucianism has shaped many East Asian societies to value collectivism, self-cultivation, filial piety, etc.
I sought to avoid something. So I decided to come here. Of course, there were active reasons that attracted me to Taejae, but at the same time, there were passive reasons too. For instance, I felt uncomfortable with aspects of Japanese social mentality, and I felt that the Japanese education system did not suit me. However, at the time, I did not notice the ultimate reason; I could not clearly explain the deeper reason behind my feelings.
Through my first experiences at Taejae, I began to realize what I wanted to avoid and what I truly wanted to seek. During a lecture on Confucianism in Andong, a professor repeatedly encouraged us to “know ourselves.” After the lecture, I asked him how I should make my time at Taejae meaningful, and he suggested studying history as a way of understanding myself better. I interpreted that advice as one way to discover my own desires and know myself.
Arriving here. The place we can show ourselves.
Some Taejae students already have strong motivations and take concrete actions towards their goals. Honestly, I envy them, and that feeling helped me realize something about myself.
What I tried to avoid was a life where I simply follow a system without questioning it. I want to become someone who can take initiative and responsibility for my own life, learn independently, and be free to do what I want.
And ultimately, I want to truly know myself and the universe we live in. If I had stayed in Japan, I would have continued to live a life where I am forced to follow social expectations without questioning them.
In my opinion, study is the best way to understand oneself. By “study,” I mean not only academics, but also daily and empirical learning, such as culture shock, cooking, conversations with other people, and other experiences. Through daily life with these insights, we can figure ourselves out — what we truly want to do. In that sense, Taejae is a very good place to get to know oneself. Moving around the world, learning from different cities will definitely help us do that.
How can we become more open about sharing our desires with one another? How can we create and keep a comfortable environment where we can learn more from each other?
By the way, let me share that I am an introverted person. This may be surprising to some because I try to be as active as possible in Taejae to learn as much as I can. I suppose some of you feel the same way. Even if human interaction is interesting, I sometimes become exhausted by it. That’s because I tend to overthink conversations, doubting or wondering whether what others say is true, if they like me, and replaying interactions repeatedly in my mind. At the same time, I still try to appear perfect. In other words, I try to hide my weaknesses using logical or academic knowledge as barriers, rather than using them as a way of seeking truth.